My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
