I think my fart just growled at me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You are the jesus of drinking
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
