If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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