im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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