Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
