Your mouth is God's brothel.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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