hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sobbing to NWA
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
