Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
