the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
