Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
