I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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