You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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