My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
