Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
