He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
