he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We need a shit load of segways right now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
