I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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