If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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