Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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