Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
