I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
