I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
