I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
