So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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