I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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