Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
