I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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