Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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