I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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