It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
