genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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