i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
