I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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