I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
