between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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