I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
