god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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