I think I am morally bankrupt
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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