Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
