The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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