I want to have your abortion
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He has the fingertips of a God
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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