when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
