I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
