i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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