Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
