The maid of honor just puked.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
