What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
