we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
