Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
