How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
