Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
