I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
