My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
