she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
